To the surprise of absolutely no one ever, Fifty Shades Freed is absolutely terrible. It’s not like it had much to live up to, either. 2015’s Fifty Shades of Grey and 2017’s Fifty Shades Darker were both pretty awful flicks, sporting a combined Rotten Tomatoes rating of under 18 percent. Despite all the horrendous reviews the series has had lobbed its way, the first two films have combined to pull in nearly $1 billion at the box office. Losing faith in humanity yet?

In their defense, franchise stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan haven’t exactly had prime source material to work with. EL James’ Fifty Shades novels have been almost universally ...

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